One of the things I love most about keeping this blog is that I can look back at what we were doing a year ago and, since I've been pretty religious about posting every week, it also serves as a since reference for everything that we've done in the past year. Just a little over a year ago, one of my dear friends gave birth to a stillborn little girl. We just passed the one year mark - or the "angelversary" as she calls it last Friday - yes, the day after Christmas. Last Monday, I went to a funeral for a friend's mother who lost her battle with breast cancer three days before Christmas - and the kicker is that this same friend is getting married on Saturday. Throughout the past year, I've seen other friends through divorce, infertility, medical issues, and many other of life's tragedies and joys. To say nothing of what my own family went through this year - a tough pregnancy with Nora and uncertainty over Jack's medical issues as well. Still, even though this year had its sadness and trials, it was still marked with so much joy - our sweet niece was born in February and our own daughter was born in July (with just under eight hours to spare). I made partner, Jeff found some success with his screenwriting, we celebrated birthdays and have enjoyed six years of marriage together. And that's just us - to say nothing of the other joys we have experienced within our circle of friends.
Both happiness and sadness obviously change a person but I think we are more affected by tragedies. Perhaps its because its always an unpleasant subject. As an example, having a child obviously alters who you are, but it's a change one is (usually) more than happy to make. In the alternative, when something terrible happens, we are also changed but it's not something we want to think or dwell upon because no one really likes to feel sad (usually), I think.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the past week. I've been thinking about the life I've been given, the choices I've made, and what I want things to look like in the future. I told Jeff once that I've only been absolutely sure of two things - that I was meant to be his wife and that I was made to be Jack and Nora's mother. And I thank God every single day for the three of them because they are my life and I don't know what I'd do without them. People say this all the time, but I really mean it. And I work so hard every day to be a good wife and mother.
I've been thinking of all the blessings I've been given as well. We have an amazing family. Really, we do. One of the things I'm most thankful for is the fact that both Jeff and I have close relationships with our grandparents - I'm not sure how many people in their mid-30s can say that they're still able to talk to their grandma and grandpa every week. I'm thankful for the technology that allows our New Jersey family and Gammy and Gampy Arizona to see the kids all the time. I am thankful for involved and loving parents (and grandparents) as well. My grandmother held Nora on Christmas Eve and sang her "Jesus Loves Me" and I know that there were at least three other women in that house who had that same experience. I am thankful for parents who will drop everything at a moment's notice and rush to help. I am thankful for mother-in-laws who "get" me. I'm thankful for loving aunts, uncles, and cousins who love us just the way that we are. I'm thankful for our medical system and I'm thankful for health insurance. And I'm thankful for the job I have - both at home and at the office.
But mostly, what's been weighing on my mind are a few quotes - I think it was Plato who once said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." I love this and I think its so true - we don't know what others are struggling with in their lives. Everyone deserves kindness and compassion. We have an obligation to treat others with understanding even if we don't agree with their life's choices. We would want the same opportunity afforded to us. The other line that's been turning around in my head is, "If you woke up tomorrow with what you thanked God for today, what would you be left with?" Mostly, this keeps telling me that I shouldn't ever take anything I've been given for granted and to live life with a thankful heart. I can't believe how short life is - if we're lucky, when its our time to leave this earth, we'll have said everything we needed and done as much as we've been able to. But I suppose this doesn't ring true for a lot of people.
This past year has made me a more compassionate person. Without question. Watching my girlfriend learn to live with the loss of her child and going through that experience with her has been life changing. Seeing another friend bury her mother and then leave to begin her wedded life has been a profound experience as well. To live for six decades and not see the wedding of your child or to pass away without ever taking your first breath - it doesn't really matter in the end and God has his reasons, I suppose. But what we do between our first and last moments here on earth is what truly counts.
I'm not really one for new year's resolutions, mostly because I believe if you want to change, you will - and you don't need a date to do that. And I don't really subscribe to the idea that you can magically transform overnight either. We're all on a journey and its our experiences - both happy and sad - that mold us as humans. But for the coming year, I don't want to leave anything unsaid. I want those in my life to know how much they are loved. So, these are my last words to you in 2014. Tomorrow is a new day (and a new year) with no mistakes in it. Live it, help others, and thank God for your blessings.
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